Okay, so this is LONG over due. Here’s TFB’s guide to types of men because, you KNOW I’ve encountered them all. I personally seem to attract the biggest D-bags. Also, the guide is listed with references to the Men of The Hills, you know for visual references
1) The Guy You’re Not Dating But Should Be [The Brody Jenner]: You know exactly what I’m talking about. Started casual, then those feelings happened and then you know you’re still hooking up and it’s been months. He still won’t commit but he’ll drunk booty call you. I just had one of those for 6 months and I was dumb about it and actually thought it would workout. Nope. Wrong.
2) The Guy You Want But Can’t Have (for whatever reason) [The Jason/Stephen Colletti] : It could be cause he’s in a relationship (bad!) or he doesn’t see you like that (ew, friend zone) a la Jennifer Goodwin in Something Borrowed. Whatever the case, you want him and it’s just not happening. Move on before you’re eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and listening to fuck you, break up music. Life is not a romantic comedy, and the odds of some extreme gesture happening because he has finally realized that he likes you will not happen and you will be heart broken.
3) The Co-Worker [The Models/Bands] : I’m personally notorious for this one. It’s completely understandable to have a work crush/ flirty relationship. You spend half of your time there, it’s normal to develop feelings for someone there. I personally don’t think I’ve worked at a place that I haven’t dated or hooked up with someone. Whoops, my bad. Downside: the after math. If it was just a one (or two, maybe three) time thing, there’s a really good chance that it might be awks the next time or like 10. Again, whoops. If it was a break-up, PLEASE for the love of Chanel, remember a work place is surprisingly a work place and DO NOT drag your break-up into it. Keep it professional ladies.
4) The Guy Who Will NOT Leave You Alone [Brian, Heidi’s boyf’s roommate]: Can also be known as a stage 5 clinger, you know that annoying red head girl in the Wedding Crashers. Facebook, Twitter and your cell are blown up daily from him having pointless conversations with you. They also don’t take hints. AT ALL. You have level 10 friend zoned them and they still try. Bless them. (I mean you should ALWAYS be nice to them cause they are the types to pick you up drunk at a bar and take you home). Pretty Girl win.
5) The Guy Who You Have History With [The Justin Bobby] : Personally, this one is the worst of them all. You go back and forth, hangout. hook-up, whatever. You’ve probably both have mentioned I love you at some point or any form of feelings. Yet, you still can’t get your shit together and date. There’s reasons for that. Be thankful, cause honey, he’s stringing you along. I know you’re probably thinking TFB, the timing’s always off. It’s not like that at all. I’ve been there and done that for 2 years with a man we call A (please see post here). MOVE ON. SERIOUSLY, GET YOUR ICE CREAM AND CRY.
6) The Drunk Booty Call [The Australian Men] : You’re out with your girls looking all fine (cause you are, DUH). He’s either at the bar watching you do your thing (shake it girl!) or blowing up your phone to come over. Whatever, sleeping alone sucks. But if you do not hear from him during business hours (thats 9-5, by the way) odds are you are that drunk booty call girl. If it works for you, get it girl. But please do me a favour and do not think anything with ever come of it. You will not date, get married and live happily ever after. Sorry. (This is slightly different from the Guy You’re Not Dating But Should Be, Drunk Booty calls acknowledge each other from 6pm till 3 am, unless you have left something of importance at his house that is the only time you talk outside of drinking hours)
7) The Crush [The Doug] : Ahhh, my favourite. It’s the beautiful stage before all aforementioned bullshit above. You’ve met him somewhere you frequent it could be Starbucks, the gym or even work. Regardless, I bet he’s the reason you look like a million bucks and aren’t in a frumpy sweater & track pants when you go there. You’ve social media stalked him (it’s also called research) and you could even have his number! So here’s the deal ladies.. to make him yours, or at least have some form of stake in him that isn’t the The Guy You’re Not Dating But Should Be either. That guy wants laid and is a d-bag.
- Do NOT sleep with him, drunk, sober, buzzed, whatever.
- Do NOT message him daily, if he want’s to talk HE WILL. A wise woman once told me “He has your number, if he wants to go, he’ll text”
- Make him (and by make I mean cleverly mention) dinner.
- Do NOT Facebook, tweet him whatever. Actually, don’t even send him a request. Less social media the better the relationship
- Be YOU. Don’t be a fake bitch. He’ll catch on you actually don’t like football or whatever.
- DO take an interest in what he tells you, he’s not talking for the sake of opening his mouth.
- If he’s acting like he likes you, he probably does. Shocker advice I know.
- Sleep with him after 6 dates. Actual dates.
- It’s okay to let him see you look like crap and by crap I mean leggings and a cute oversized sweater.
Do these, and I guarantee you’ll have a boyfriend.
8) The Guy Who Is A Manipulative Asshole [The Spencer] : I don’t even know what to say about these guys. Just move on. If you second guess anything or if your friends are telling you he’s a douche. Listen. Please.
9. The Best Friend [Frankie DelGatto]: You may have never hooked up, but this guy is the one you compare all the guys too. Screw meeting your dad, you bring your men to meet the Best Friend. He’s tough, will beat someone for you and always there. Even if his boys are being HUGE d-bags (hey, Brody.. Looking at you) he’s got your back. Best Friends Forever.
That concludes TFB’s guide to types of guys. If I’ve missed a type! Let me know in the comments!
PS. I’m currently dealing with 3 & 7 ;) oh and 4. A LOT of 4.