{It doesn’t hurt any less, a personal story on miscarriage}


This is a very special post; something I need to express in the only way I know how to.

Being told you are going to be a mother at a very unexpected time will shoot you through a rollercoster of emotions, I should know. I found out at the end of September I was expecting a little June baby. So many emotions went through my head. How am I going to do this? Will I be a good mom? Oh my god it has to come OUT! Are all things that crossed my mind for weeks, nothing scarier than realizing you are growing a tiny human, and while you are processing that it seems that all of a sudden you see all these people with little tiny humans and your heart explodes with joy. So while you are adjusting to the morning sickness and cravings and the exhaustion (oh my god the exhaustion) and the Pinterest boards have started, the excitement gathers and then it just stops.

I was someone who always said “I’m never having kids”, and well I was doing a pretty good job but then it happened and I struggled with it at first, but it got taken away and it wasn’t my time – which has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

It’s been about 2 months since I had a miscarriage and processing it has been super difficult. It hasn’t got easier by the day and I feel like I constantly have unanswered questions and confused thoughts and a lot of self blame even though it wasn’t my fault. I remember the day. I always will. I went in on a Sunday night after having bleeding and a doctor telling me there was no ultrasound staff on hand but if he felt I needed one he would call. It was a long process, but I left still pregnant. I had to go back in at 6 am, but I woke up and I just knew and by 11:30 am I had my worst fear confirmed. I could see it in my ultrasound techs eyes, there was no baby on the screen. I had 4 ultrasounds that morning. Baby was gone. My 10 week ultrasound was scheduled to be the next day. The doctor who told me sat down like we were having bloody tea and was like “you aren’t pregnant” and sent me on my way. There’s a special place in hell for that man.
Then came the hardest part was telling people, we had told close friends and not our parents. But telling the babies father was the worst thing, it still haunts me to this day. I ended up grieving the loss of the baby, but I ended up grieving the loss of someone who was still alive and as much as we are fine now – something’s are unforgiving. My mom happened to call me the next day and I had told her everything. Took some time to myself and then just buried my feelings.
I feel like somedays I have no right to be upset because it happens all the time and I wasn’t far along but it still stings every fucking day. I’ve been incredibly private with my thoughts and feelings about loosing the baby until now. I read an article on Facebook and it was everything I’ve felt and then some towards this whole situation. People have said, if we are here to help and I reply thank you but unfortunately there isn’t much you can do and it’s true. No one can turn back time and bring me my baby back. There has been great days and some bad days and the bad days are really bad. You get sad, like really sad and it turns out that’s called Post Partum Depression and it can happen to woman who have had miscarriages. I learned that, I also learned that no one talks about it, like it’s this horrible thing (which it is) and that you’re supposed to brush it under the rug like a pile of dust and move on.
I want people know that that’s not okay. Never ever tell someone that they’ll get over it (I’ve been told this) or “you’ll have another one” yes, i understand that but you see I wanted that one. “Think of all the life you can experience now” thanks, I’m 26 I’ve lived a little. “You’re in school it’s for the better” Cool, I already have a diploma thanks for playing. “You would of had to co-parent and that would of been hard on the baby” How is this any of your concern? Both parents loved the child, sorry we weren’t forcing a relationship for the sake of a child.

If you’ve suffered through this tragedy it’s okay to:

  • Not want to get out of bed
  • Have good days
  • Shop till you drop
  • Eat that pizza
  • Drink that wine
  • Dance
  • Stay on the couch all day
  • Binge watch Netflix
  • Skip the gym

You’re entitled to heal in the way you need to, just don’t ever stop loving yourself. You are not to blame, and that’s something I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I’ll be doing everyday activities and I’ll feel happy and then I have this thought that I have no right to be happy. Somedays I’ll feel so sad, I’ll think I have no right to feel this sad. It’s a struggle to see my friends go through pregnancy and I want to be happy for them, and I am, but it sucks, cause that should be me. But it’s not, and I’m working on acceptance and falling in love with myself again, because that’s another thing they don’t tell you is you get self hatred and you need to remember that your friends and family are trying to help you in the best way they know how. Unfortunately, I can’t go back in time and get my baby back and that pain will be there for a very long time and there’s no timeframe that says when that will be, for all I know I could wake up one day and then the pain get slowly better each day. Which is what I hope for all of you who are reading this, is that you find hope and peace and know that you are not alone in this journey.

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